Watched
that programme Heroes the other day and it
got me thinking. Maybe I’m actually a
superhero and my “powers” are what make me
irresistible to women?? Maybe it’s like a
cross between X-Men and Heroes and that I
developed this power when a teenager and
sub-consciously honed it through the years
since? Either that or I’m just blessed –
it’s one or the other…
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Definitely think I’m on to something here and had a
chat about it with the boys at work. Some of them
didn’t doubt that I have super powers but most of
them thought it was actually my ability to eat a
large deep-pan pizza in under 10 seconds rather than
my lady gifts!! I disagreed and conceded that while
I have a genuine talent re pizza it’s not strictly a
super-power like x-ray vision or being able to leap
tall buildings in a single bound.
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Continuing my
"Year of the Payne" theme I decided that I should
put my super powers to the test and devise some way
of measuring them. But how do you measure a super
power? It’s not a liquid or gas so you can’t use
volume, it’s not distance related either so you
can’t use length. As far as I know it doesn’t weigh
anything (that’s normally the pizza) so what unit
can I use to effectively measure the effect of my
obviously devastating powers?
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Rather than
my usual surfing subject matter (although you could
say it was related), I thought I’d do some internet
research on measuring things. Found various sites
describing how to measure power and most of it was
completely baffling (even to a top city bod like
myself)!! The simplest description I could find is
that Power
is the
rate at which work is performed or energy is
transmitted for a given unit of time. After much
thought I decided that this could be simply
translated as "how many birds you can pull in a
single session" ie work over time (P = W/T) where
number of birds (Work) and length of session (Time)
are obviously variables.
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Having slept on it, I
decided that there are a whole host of variables
not just time and number which have a direct
influence upon the result eg:
Time (1 hour or a
whole night, what time of day and even which day
– Thursdays are obviously richer veins than
Mondays).
Location (venue,
locale, even region – Essex is obviously easier
than Surrey).
Budget (money makes
the world go round and women lose their
underwear. The more money the easier it is).
Concentration
(not just sheer number of ladies present but ratio
of them to other lesser stags).
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The only way to measure it
properly is to fix all known variables and do
several experiments in a controlled environment.
So Friday night I set out with £250, went to a
local City bar from 7.30-11.00pm and did the
bizzo – score 3 points.
Saturday (night): £250
budget, Clapham bar 8-12pm – score 2.5 points
(half point awarded in lieu of being too drunk
to collect full point)
Sunday (lunchtime): £75
budget, Fulham pub - score 1 point.
So my
conclusion is this – I’m a superhero and no matter
how much money or environment I never fail. I’m like
Remington – come with me and you won’t go home alone
or your money back!! |
